Fitballs to the wall

The good news is that I now have a tri coach, which is awesome (more on that later!), and as a result I have my workouts for the week all planned out and purposeful unlike the vague "try to do a little of everything" scheme I've been doing on my own up to now. Having a coach helps me feel more accountable, more cognizant of what goes into becoming an athlete. I've been able to improve several key skills in just the week we've been working together, and I get the feeling he can spot weaknesses and help me overcome them in a thoughtful way.

Sadly, one key area of my improved training regimen is the use of a Fitball for core exercises and strength. You know what a Fitball is, it's one of those big blow up balls that are used for pilates and are vaguely reminiscent of those marbleized bouncy balls that you got in the supermarket as a kid (the ones in that came out the bottom of those big white cages). On the TV show Portlandia the Mayor sits on one. They are supposed to be good for your balance. A few hipster friends (the ones who aren't using those standing desks) have started using them at work. They say it burns calories and helps fend off the worst side-effects of being sedentary. Sure, why not.

But today I tried to follow the examples on Coach Chris's Xeroxed handout of core exercises that require use of the Fitball, and it was a fiasco worth of I Love Lucy, but with bluer language.

I couldn't hold my positions. My sneakers wouldn't grip the floor so I slid around like it was covered in Crisco. My arms flailed. In several instances I was trying to read the instructions while on the ball. Not a good plan. I smacked the back of my head once on the floor and once on the corner of the bed frame.

Diane returned from her run, heard me yelling expletives and came rushing upstairs to see if I was alright.

"Hon, are you okay?!" She looked genuinely concerned.

Fitball Face

I lay on my back, the Fitball having skidded off to the edge of the room where it was lolling lazily against the wall. My feet gamboled above me as if I were a cockroach flipped on its back. At that moment it occurred to me that the ball's smell had rubbed off on me and I now smelled vaguely like a condom.

"I'm fine. Go about your business. Nothing to see here." I told her.

She laughed.

 "You think it's funny, huh?" I asked. "Let's see you do the 'Supine Side Roll' then" [Note: many of the Fitball exercises sound like menu items at a sushi restaurant].

Needless to say, Diane got down on the Fitball and after a brief examination of the Xerox had masted and then demonstrated --with near perfect form-- several of the exercises that had nearly brought me to tears.

Obviously I'm Fitball Dyslexic. Up is down. Left is right.

The Xerox says the Fitball is also known as the "Swiss Fitness Ball." Maybe that's the root of my problem.

My family moved to Switzerland when I was 10 and it didn't go well. To say we were not embraced by the Swiss people would be an understatement. The Swiss make great cheese and even better chocolate, but they are notoriously xenophobic, and in the mid 1980's, at the height of Reganomics, Americans were despised. I went to a school where all my classmates and even my 5th grade teacher hated me. She was ready, able and more than willing to administer regular corporal punishment. I can only assume the Fitball raises in me certain spectral memories of being slapped hard against the ear as I incorrectly identified the capital of Sweden as Copenhagen.

When I find the Swiss sadist who invented the Fitball, I will put his head on a pike. In the meantime, what the heck happened to good old crunches?

Coach Chris advises: "Try the exercises in a padded room." A padded cell is more like, though he insists if I keep at it "it will get better." There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, I am relegated to The Trevor Project of Fitball.

Stay tuned to find out whether I overcome my Fitball issues or if I use my investigative journalism skills and keen knowledge of Facebook to track down Aquilino Cosani, the original inventor of the Fitball (for real).

Even Valentine Is Good at The Fitball

Race Report: Jersey Shore Triathlon

I came off Red Bank Triathlon and Nave-sink-or-swim in May with a head full of steam and did some great workouts at the end of that month, but wasn't able to get to the track or do as much biking in the first two weeks of June due to a series of family emergencies. This past week I put in some good training sessions and felt back to my old self and more or less ready at Jersey Shore Triathlon in Asbury Park this morning. I finished 3rd in my age group, in 1:38:21, just seven seconds behind the woman who took 2nd; she blew by me on the home stretch. DAMN!

The race started on the beach just off the famous Asbury Park boardwalk, near the convention center and only a mile down the road from where Bruce Springstein formed the E Street Band. After a week's worth of rain, we were treated to an absolutely GORGEOUS morning: low humidity, bright sunshine and a great 69 degrees. You can't ask for more than that on a race day.

I had settled my bike on the crammed rack in transition, just one slot away from my friend and training buddy, Maria. Though I had heard some people talking about not wearing wetsuits, while I was waiting in line at packet pick-up, I decided today was the day to test out my brand new sleeveless Neosport suit. When I first tried it on last week it was totally perfect with one little glitch: it was too tight around the neck and felt like it was pressing right on my Eve's apple. After reading a few tri and surfer blogs I decided to try someone's suggestion of fastening the neck tight around a paint can for a few days to stretch it and this worked out. I got just a tiny bit more room, maybe a half inch, but it made all the difference.

As Maria and I made our way over to the beach people were murmuring something about the water. It turned out the problem wasn't the temperature, which was a pleasant 67, but the waves. There were serious swells and breakers pounding the shore. I love the water, always prefer longer swims, adore the ocean, and have recently been swimming in open ocean with 3 foot swells with no problem, but looking at these waves, I have to admit, I was a little taken aback. Not daunted, necessarily, but I realized it wasn't going to be a day where my swim time was something I'd have very much control over. The goal would be completion and not taking on too much water.

The race officials ended up shortening both the Sprint and Olympic distance swim courses to address the current and breakers. It seemed to me that the buoy for the sprint course was drifting toward shore and the tide was going out, so every minute we waited at the start the course was getting shorter. Maria actually measured it, and after the race she told me her Garmin indicated we swam 250 meters instead of the 400 meters they had planned (which is already 100 meters shorter than a normal sprint distance). The suit worked out fine, but I didn't get to put it through its paces.

The fact that the swim was short didn't minimize the challenge. I started near the front but not as close to the straight line as I usually choose. The waves were beating at an angle that was bound to push us off course, so the best path to the buoy seemed to me to cut it at about a 30 degree angle from the left. I'm not sure if this was everyone else's take as well, but we all headed out at the signal, and seemed to converge in a lump after high stepping over the first 10 or 15 feet of foam. I tried to dive under the largest of the waves, which would have been a good strategy (at least I didn't swallow much water) but I managed to get smashed directly in the head twice by others who were attempting to go over the same waves.

I have been in swims with a lot of contact, but this was the first time I worried I might really get hurt. I can see now I got a bad toenail scratch on one arm and a series of blue bruises on my right leg. During the swim I didn't notice these things very much, but my neck hurt from the head injuries. I was grateful for the shortness of the course if for no other reason than it reduced the number of chances I had to get a concussion. After I made the turn at the buoy I turned on the gas as much as I could, body surfing to the shore and trying not to get bogged down in the shallows. I haven't seen the final race results, but I'd venture to guess I was probably in the top 10 women out of water.

Transition 1 was sluggish because the bikes were tight and I had to grapple with the suit, but once I got out on the bike I felt good. The first mile or so involved some crazy gusts of wind but I found my groove and bore down. I tried to catch and pass everyone I could. I kept an eye on my spedometer and pushed myself to keep it above 17 wherever I could. Last year I put in a very good bike in this location at a different race --TriRock Asbury-- in August, so I knew a bit about the course and that got a bit of confidence going for me. I have also been riding steep hills with Maria and this course is pretty flat, so that was a psychological boost as well.

The bike course involved two 8 mile loops and I had to slow at the turn around, but I didn't let up on the second loop. I'm not sure if I maintained the same average I held last August (18 mph), but I passed a lot of people and felt good about my effort (UPDATED: I got 17.2 average with a 57 min ride -- very happy with that). When I got off the bike, however, I didn't know what I had left in my legs for the run.

Transition 2 was smooth and I've been doing a lot of brick workouts in training, so my legs weren't too jello-like heading out on the run. But it was starting to get warm and I couldn't quite find my pace. I tried to focus on form, use my mantras, catch people, but I don't think I left much in my legs. (UPDATED: I actually did the run in 30 flat, which for me is pretty good, so I guess I was a bit hard on myself).

Then there was that 2nd place finisher in my age group who passed me on the home stretch. I bet if I'd known she was sneaking up on me, I could have held her off. I feel like I should have put more effort into catching her as she went by. Looking back, I am sure I had a last dash in me, so I'm not sure why I let her go. That's definitely the moment I'm least happy about with this race. Still, I was glad to make the podium, and the race was useful because I identified plenty of areas to improve before my next race, which isn't until August. I have three races in August, so that is going to be crazy.

Maria wasn't as happy about her performance but I was there for her finish, and she certainly looked like she came in strong. Moreover she has sometime gotten anxious in the water, and despite the hellacious waves she was undaunted by the swim. I thought she put out a great effort and was sorry she wasn't happy with it.

My big goal looking forward, is to keep my training level up during the two weeks in mid-July that I'll be on the Cape. Even boost my weekly numbers if I can. I'm taking my bike with me and will have to get out very early to get bricks in and still leave enough time for Diane to run before it gets baking hot. There's no shade in P-Town. It's all dunes, so it can get discouragingly hot. As for the swimming, I can swim a lot, but not in a very organized way. I'll have to do my best. The other side of it will be not gaining weight with so many vacation treats near to hand. I don't want that to be my downfall. Keep your fingers crossed people. :)

POST SCRIPT: Right after today's race I got back to the car and it wouldn't start. Sweaty and gross I had to wait around for AAA to come. I tried to clean up a little with a packet of wet wipes, but I still felt slimy. The service dude was great, however, diagnosed the battery problem, replaced it and had me on the road by noon. On the way home we stopped for a celebratory Starbucks and now I've showered and feel awesome. Things have been rough lately, but today has been really good.